The Art Of Loving
Source https://www.zhihu.com/question/23720541
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This is a theoretical depth study and practice love love the book, but as the author says in the introduction, this is not a book to teach the so-called secrets of the art of love.
Student in the library to borrow through an "escape from freedom," Fromm know the name, although not really understand, just gulping read about, but still attracted to his ideas, impressive.
After many years of reading reference "for their people," in the words, I feel a lot of sympathy, author of Fromm, find this book Shique found this "The Art of Loving" good mother than a good teacher "in the . " (I discovered later "for his people" and as a "self search", after "The Art of Loving" online shopping a book, has not been open only read).
Erich Fromm, was born in Germany in 1900, died in Switzerland in 1980, German-American Jews, the famous psychologist and philosopher.
"Art of Love" is Fromm's most famous works, published for the first time since 1956, it has been translated into 32 languages and is still sold briskly.
In this book, the love Fromm mentions a new level, he believes that "love is the answer to the survival of mankind," of course, he's here, "love" is not just referring to the love between men and women.
He believes love is an art that can be learned, is an ability, but the ability to love is not simply skills, must be closely integrated with the development of their personality, it takes action, it will take, he said:
"Immature, childish love says: 'I love you because I need you', and mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'"
Meaning of love
"An era of greatness, in my opinion, is whether it will produce a great and noble love, noble love produced in the noble personality and noble character produced in the noble culture. Therefore, love has always been my one high power microscope, I would like to see around corners, to Glimpse of leopard. began tubes, leopard finally, it has been my ambition to write little love stories. "
Fromm just finished reading "The Art of Loving", the author read this interview on A Yuan Spark public number, seems to be the book said "Love is the answer to the survival of mankind," echoed one.
Fromm think people realize that life is a kind of self-existence, loneliness also arises, but at the same time people can not stand this loneliness, if he can not be freed from prison in this lonely out with other people or the world around them together, he would be crazy.
So how to overcome this loneliness, it is a fundamental question of human existence. He pointed out that human beings overcome loneliness, there are three ways, one different forms of indulgence, and second, to find identity, such as a lot of group behavior, the third is creative work, people in the world to achieve a unified and creative labor, but Fromm this way to achieve unity among the people is not unified.
And achieve a combination of people is the most intense pursuit of the human heart, is the most basic human requirement, and this can only be achieved in love.
Although I have always felt that people, in essence, lonely, love can not eliminate it, but I agree with Fromm said that only love can truly withstand alone. Of course, the premise is that love must be real mature love rather than symbiotic combination of organisms, is to be combined with others to keep their integrity and independence under conditions to retain their individuality while overcoming loneliness.
Kind of love
Depending on the object of love, the author of several specific love described.
Universal love
Fromm believes that "all forms of love are to love as the basis." He said.
"Philanthropic foundation is to recognize that all of us are equal. There are colleagues compared the core, the difference between people on the talent, intelligence and knowledge are negligible."
He says
"Love your own flesh and blood is not surprising." " Only when I love those who has nothing to do with my personal interests, my love began to develop."
Parental love
Fromm says
"Mother is our hometown, nature, land and sea."
But he immediately said:
"In the first few years of a child with his father almost no contact."
He said that on behalf of his father thought the world
"My father is to educate children, the children pointed out the road to the world's people."
He said that maternal love is unconditional, and therefore can not and do not need to fight, the father can go to win through their own efforts . China's traditional views and "the father of the mother Tsz Yan," exactly the same, this is somewhat to my surprise, I find it difficult fully agree with, there is the feeling of inequality among men and women shadow.
But he also said,
"Fatherly should be governed by certain principles and certain requirements, it should be tolerant, patient, and should not be aggressive and overbearing."
He said the last of growth should reach a mature person not only his mother but also his father's height, that a man should love themselves unconditionally whenever can, while some of their requirements to pursue development, which I I agree.
Sex - love
Fromm
"Sex - love is an exclusive, but it is also a person through love, then love of humanity, love for all life."
He did not deny sex - love physiological ingredients, but he was firmly opposed to Freud's views on just Sublimation of Sexual Instinct and manifestations of love, he pointed out
"If the combination of the physical requirements are not based on love, if sex - love does not have the ingredients of love, so will only lead to a temporary combination of a purely physiological."
The authors also pointed out that the traditional view of marriage emphasize love is just an act of will, the modern society is emphatic - love is entirely attraction between two people, he believes both views be biased, sex - love both of two specific needs between individuals attracted to each other emotional love, but also need the will of love.
Self-respect
Fromm pointed out that people often confuse narcissism or self-love and self-interest, but in fact
"Self-interest and self-love is by no means the same thing, actually mutually contradictory. Egoistic people are not too fond of their own, but do not love themselves too much."
He says
"Selfish who does not love the ability of others this is right, but they also can not afford to love yourself.
He also analyzed the kind of "ecstasy" signs of neuropathy,
"Patients can not afford to love, and no ability to make himself happy, his life is full of hostility, in his ecstasy hidden behind a strong often unaware of their own selfishness."
But he also stressed that true self-love is "love thy neighbor as thyself," and quoted Eckhart's words to sum up:
"If you love a person less than love yourself, you can not really love yourself, if you love all people equally, including your own, you will be like someone like that love them, that person is God and man. "
God loves
God loves and also other forms, like love, comes from the elimination of the membrane, called for the harmonization of the pursuit. In either religion, God embodies the highest value, reflecting the goodness and beauty. But specifically what is the highest value have different views at different stages of human development.
Here he also analyzes the differences between Eastern and Western logic or thought, he thinks the East paradox logical to focus on the experience, lead to tolerance and efforts to transform people's own (but do not lead to technology), the mainstream Western thought put major focus on ideology, emphasizing thinking, leading to intolerance, doctrine and science, the Catholic Church and the discovery of atomic energy.
Finally Fromm pointed out that the above analysis, we can see that there is consistency between love for God and love for their parents, who are both mature stage of his mother is his father, the love of God mature stage, people should become their own gods.
The practice of love
In the analysis of the God of love, Fromm emphasized the importance of experience and action, he said, the logical conclusion is that paradox
"People should not find the answer in terms of ideology seen as the ultimate goal. Thinking only makes us realize that we can not make the idea of making a final answer, the world thought incarcerated in paradox. The only possibility is not final grasp of the world of ideas, and in the experience of unity. "
In practice the love chapter he again stressed this point, "love is a power, only in practice can be improved. So how to practice and improve it?
Discipline, concentration, patience, etc. is a prerequisite for the exercise of all the arts, the art of love is also required, and the main condition to obtain the ability to love is to overcome narcissism.
Fromm that love is a positive activity and emotional, therefore love is the first "give" rather than have to, but here "to" is not the people mistakenly believe is a "self-sacrifice" virtues, he believes that "to "that is too, and not sacrifice. In addition, love also need to be concerned, the basic elements of a sense of responsibility, respect and understanding and so on, which is common to all forms of love.
Also depends on the ability to love an essential condition of our own maturity, maturity need is faith.
Love, in fact, is a belief that love is faith-based . Of course talking about here is a reasonable belief of faith, rather than obey an irrational authority irrational beliefs,
"Reasonable belief is rooted in the experience of his thoughts or feelings of a firm conviction." I believe others believe that human beings believe in yourself, faith takes courage to produce this, the culture of faith and courage can start from little things of everyday life.
Fromm repeatedly stressed that love is a kind of sacrifice, gave act of love,
"To love a person is given their own, and not expect to get back to the clothes, but believe that their love will surely arouse the other's love."
He further pointed out that:
"Immature, childish love says: 'I love you because I need you', and mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'"
When talking about the meaning of love, Fromm said:
"Love exclusion development of every society are ultimately fighting for their basic human requirements and decline."
A writer Yuan said:
"Mind and emotions are corrupt, compared to food is corrupt, even more bitter because it is more subtle and dangerous. It is not the trauma and internal injuries, like cancer cells, until the attack, basically hopeless. So I want to write this corruption, this time to write bones are corrupt, it seems to have some malicious intentions. "
She wrote corrupt, but did not write a better, Fromm's scholarly text also criticized corruption, but he believe in the beauty of love, and how to establish a genuine love their proposed building a better theoretical and practical recommendations.
he thinks
"To have the ability to make love, we must give human development as the highest goal of society." "Only in such a society, as Marx said, when the conditions for comprehensive development of the individual to become all-round development of the people when love will become an important social attitudes. "
This is a theoretical depth study and practice love love the book, but as the author says in the introduction, this is not a book to teach the so-called secrets of the art of love.
Anti think this book is to tell the reader:
"If you do not work hard all develop their own personality and thus achieve a tendency to create, then love each attempt will fail if there is no ability to love others, if you can not really humbly and courageously, honestly and disciplined love others, then people in their love life also never satisfied. "
If you love, please love deeply!
More exciting, please pay attention to the public reading station No. dandelion
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Prior to this book, I read the "life guidance algorithm," a book, and then to the emotional part of love completely collapse. . .
"Life Guidance algorithm" to see the title, we know that would be a rational economic thinking thinking all kinds of choices and behaviors in life, about love mate, the book talked about the 37% rule, the dividing point of observation and decision-making period -
For example, a girl, the 18-year-old adult start looking for her boyfriend, the deadline is planning to marry 40-year-old, then according to the 37% rule, her two-stage dividing point is 26.1 years old.
So, economists, policy best mate this young women is this: before the observation period is 26.1 years old, she should be "looking" a lot of wait and see, then remember that a relationship with at this time of boys, their favorite is which. After 26.1 years of age began to decision-making, this time we must "to marry for the purpose of love", or similar event of similar man-and-see period that favorite, you should immediately put him to win.
This method is labor-saving, peace of mind, it is not easy to make mistakes, in this era of uncertainty, using a mathematical algorithm to consider the issue, it seems to increase the probability of making the right decisions themselves.
I almost believed. . . .
As the saying goes: Da Jiangshan easy to keep country hard, do not know a metaphor for relations between the sexes is appropriate. But I did find, in an intimate relationship, the spouse and the pursuit than in daily life, the weight really is not high.
In this "art of love", it is indeed talked about point of view in this regard. The key point of this book is:
Love is art, but also the ability, like painting, writing, the need for repeated long-term exercise.
In practice, we want to mature as a love of learning objectives, overcome narrow-minded, selfish type of love symbiotic organisms mode.
Enhance the ability to love the process will be imperceptible to get rid of modern economic thinking cold.
- Love is an ability
Many people mistakenly believe that love is not successful because the object is not appropriate, but from another object and can not solve the problem of love and love lost faith, "Love does not feel tired."
In addition, lower commodity social environment, more and more routine for the boys to see, on the "equipment" (house, car, income, work, etc.) to see heavier, think as long as enhance their commercial value, the market will be able to increase love the "bargaining power", but this has nothing to do with the ability to love;
In a relationship, we are more likely to remember to declare the success of the moment and broke up heartbreaking moment, a lot of pop songs are sung two time periods, most people are only concerned about the courtship, and lack of ownership for love and attention shelf .
2. Mature love is the basis to maintain independence became one of the
Have an inappropriate analogy,
Two close relationship like curry rice bowl, rice is rice, curry is a curry.
Mix together quite tasty, stir together became feces.
Immature love is a symbiotic organism, a sado-masochistic relationship and, applied by the two parties is the same kind of people, have lost self-independence and integrity in the process of Integrative. Mature characteristic of love is giving, caring, responsibility, respect and understanding.
No specific capacity to love, I can not love you, others would have no sense, but everyone should see, the world, the universe of love from love for you in.
Conversely, if to do so open love, it will not be coerced in the name of love, not control, do not let love serving the people, who make love in their own comfortable way to develop and grow.
3. enhance the ability to love is in fact get rid of modern commodity economy thinking
Enhance the capacity for love is actually in the process of alienation of the people against commodity society, too rational tagging may be able to quickly find the most appropriate, but certainly not conducive to the daily bumps of running, tagging will bring too sensitive "exaggeration", or to develop their own a lot of self-discipline, concentration, patience, and love interest.
It recommended that the whole book is not specific love the Raiders, but it helps to develop beliefs.
Love disease treatment, disease treatment from the beginning of modernity. Only overcome the modern utilitarian heart, not the pursuit of efficiency first, to get a real love.
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