We always have grandparents, constantly talking about "in the past golden age" and about how they eat simple but healthy food during that time, which unlike their modern counterparts eating high heat food which harms physical and mental health.
(a grandparent)
(elderly relative)
(“narrator” replaces “talk”)
(when you talk something happened in the past, use past tense)
(“individuals” replaces people)
(“have detrimental effects” replaces “harm”)
(“consume” replaces “eat”)
(consume high-calorie diets)
We always have a grandparent or elderly relative who narrates the "in the good old olden days …" stories about how they ate simple healthy food unlike individuals today who consume high-calorie diets, which have detrimental effects on their mental and physical health.
This takes place mainly because of the fast pace of modern life, the application of modern farm technologies and the increase of unhealthy food.
(“be attributable to” replaces “because”)
(“largely” replaces “mainly”)
(“accelerating” replaces “fast”)
(“implementation” replaces “application”)
(“agricultural” replaces “farm”)
(“methods” replaces technology)
(“explosion” replaces “increase”)
(the explosion in)
(junk food outlets)
This is largely attributable to the accelerating pace of modern life, the implementation of modern agricultural methods and the explosion in junk food outlets.
However, there is a downside to staying prolonged periods of time on your way away from world --it can lead to isolation and anxiety, increasing levels of stress.
First, modern accelerating life pace and prolonged periods of work urge people to have a preference upon junk food.
First, modern accelerating life pace and prolonged periods of work urge people to have a preference upon junk food.
(“fast pace” replaces “accelerating pace”)
(“force” replaces “urge”)
First, the fast pace of life pace and the long hours people work force many people to make unhealthy food choices.
In the past, life was relatively simple than its modern counterpart, people didn't have to commute very far to their work places or transmute for several times between buses and trains.
(reach workplaces)
(transfer to)
(unlike today)
(need)
In the past life was relatively simple; people didn't need to commute far to reach their workplaces, transferring to buses and trains, unlike today.
What's more, their daily schedules would not be filled with frequent conferences and business trips.
(“back to back”)
(“pack with” replaces “filled with”)
(“meeting” replaces “conference”)
Also, their daily schedules were not packed with back to back meetings or frequent business trips.
In the past, people had time at home to prepare for dinner. These dinners had little amount of heat, sugar and fat, certainly healthier.
(write in a parallel way)
(“go home”)
(“cook meal” replaces “prepare food”)
(“contain” replaces “have”)
(use a word that has a more narrow and precise meaning to replace a more generative one)
(fewer, less)
(calories, sugar)
(therefore)
In the past, people went home and had time to cook meals, which contained fewer calories, less sugar and less fat and therefore were healthy.
But now, because of pressure from study or work, cooking meals has already become a luxury, not a necessity.
(when using a verb as a subject, do use has, is or something like these)
(“due to” replaces “because of”)
(“the pressure of”)
(cooking has …)
However, today due to the pressure of study or work, cooking has become a luxury and not a necessity.
People rely on fast food to satisfy their tedious time.
(“fill” replaces “pack”)
People rely on fast food to fill this void.
Unfortunately, despite the obvious bad effects of junk food, people continue to eat careless at places like A.
(“sadly” replaces “unfortunately”)
(“well-documented” replaces “obvious”)
(“negative” replaces “bad”)
(flock to)
(“still” replaces “continue”)
(“the likes of” replaces “places like”)
(Pizza Hut, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken or McDonalds)
(grab a bite to eat)
Sadly, despite the well-documented negative effects of junk food, people still flock to the likes of Pizza Hut, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken or McDonalds to grab a bite to eat.
Further, the development of modern agriculture and the using of fertilizer give rise to the production of unhealthy food.
(“less healthy” replaces “unhealthy”)
(“agricultural methods” replaces “agriculture”)
(“employ” replaces “use”)
(“fertilizers, pesticides and the like” replaces “fertilizers”)
(“contribute to” replaces “give rise to”)
Further, the development of modern agricultural methods, which employ fertilizers, pesticides and the like, has contributed to the production of less healthy food.
Before implementing modern agricultural methods, farmers rely on natural fertilizers and cultivate the farm by their own.
This is largely attributable to the accelerating pace of modern life, the implementation of modern agricultural methods and the explosion in junk food outlets.
(“the employment of” replaces “the implementation of”)
(use past tense here)
(farm limited plots of land)
(manually)
Before the employment of modern agricultural methods, people relied on natural fertilizers and farmed their limited plots of land manually.
In order to feed increasing population and collect more foods, this method has been replaced by modern agricultural method.
(such)
(“individual practices” replaces “this method”)
(“technique” replaces “method”)
(“increase crop yields” replaces “collect more food”)
(“growing” replaces “increasing”)
Such individual practices have been replaced by modern agricultural techniques to increase crop yields in order to feed the growing population.
We always have a grandparent or elderly relative who narrates the "in the good old olden days …" stories about how they ate simple healthy food unlike individuals today who consume high-calorie diets, which have detrimental effects on their mental and physical health.
Sadly, many of such new practices have detrimental effects on the environment and bring risks to people who eat the food.
(write “the food”, not “these”)
(“technology”, “method”, “practice” and “technique”)
(“be detrimental to” replaces “have detrimental effects on”)
(“carry”, “employ”)
(“carry” replace “bring”)
(“those who” replaces “people who”)
(“consume” replaces “eat”)
Unfortunately, many of these new technologies are detrimental to the environment and carry risks for those who consume the food.
Such individual practices have been replaced by modern agricultural techniques to increase crop yields in order to feed the growing population.
Sadly, despite the well-documented negative effects of junk food, people still flock to the likes of Pizza Hut, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken or McDonalds to grab a bite to eat.
Further, the development of modern agricultural methods, which employ fertilizers, pesticides and the like, has contributed to the production of less healthy food.
The employment of chemical pesticides to prevent pests and increase crop yield contributes to the likes of cancer, birth deficiency and gene mutations.
(you need to know which you are going to protect)
(“protect” replaces “prevent”)
(“harmful inserts” replaces “pests”)
(“pesticide” replaces “pesticide and fertilizer”)
(“production” replaces “crop yields”)
(“lead to” replaces “contribute to”)
(disease)
(food poisoning)
(“defect” replaces “deficiency”)
The employment of chemical pesticide and fertilizer to protect crops from harmful inserts and increase production can lead to diseases, such as food poisoning, cancer, birth defects and genetic mutation.
In the past, people went home and had time to cook meals, which contained fewer calories, less sugar and less fat and therefore were healthy.
Finally, equally important, meals rich in calories, sugar and fat lead to increasing obesity around the world.
(“diet” replaces “meal”)
(“contribute to” replaces “lead to”)
(and just as importantly)
(“endemic levels of”)
Finally, and just as importantly, high fat diets have contributed to endemic levels of obesity in people around the world.
The economic growth in both developed and developing countries contributes to create an environment.
(“increase” replaces “grow”)
(material wealth)
(gluttony and overindulgence)
The increase in material wealth in both developed and developing world has contributed to an environment of gluttony and overindulgence.
We always have a grandparent or elderly relative who narrates the "in the good old olden days …" stories about how they ate simple healthy food unlike individuals today who consume high-calorie diets, which have detrimental effects on their mental and physical health.
For example, meat, eggs and milk have consisted the highest rates in people's diets in history, increasing the average consumption of heat, oil and salt per capita.
(“make up” replaces “consist”)
(“proportion” replaces “rate”)
(a large proportion of)
(than before)
(“calories” replaces “heat”)
(“intake” replaces “consumption”)
For example, meat, eggs and milk now make up a large proportion of people's diets than before, increasing the average person’s intake of calories, oil and salt.
Although the problem seems recognized by people, many of them still intake unhealthy food every day.
(do not use “these” or “many” before food)
(“appear to” replaces “seem”)
(“be aware of” replaces “recognize”)
(“daily” replaces “every day”)
(“continue” replaces “still”)
(“overeat” replaces “intake”)
Although people appeal to be aware of the problem, many continue to overeat unhealthy food daily.
However, there is a downside to staying prolonged periods of time on your way away from world --it can lead to isolation and anxiety, increasing levels of stress.
Finally, and just as importantly, high fat diets have contributed to endemic levels of obesity in people around the world.
In medical centers, the diseases, traditionally known as rich people's problems, such as overweight, high blood pressure and diabetes, have become endemic now.
(what were …, subject clause)
(“common” replaces “endemic”)
(diabetes)
(“obesity” replaces “overweight”)
(“consider” replaces “know”)
(“hospital” replaces “medical center”)
In many hospitals, what were traditionally considered rich men's diseases, like obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes, are now common.
To sum up, our diets are not healthier than before.
(use a comparative before the word “than”)
(“less health” replaces “not healthier”)
In conclusion, our diets are less health than before.
This is largely attributable to the accelerating pace of modern life, the implementation of modern agricultural methods and the explosion in junk food outlets.
Accelerating pace of modern life, the implementation of modern agricultural methods and overeating unhealth food have contributed to this scenario,
(“development” replaces “implementation”)
(the overeating of)
(“faster” replaces “accelerating”)
(use the structure: “the … of”)
(this situation)
The faster pace of life, the development of modern agricultural methods and the overeating of unhealth food have contributed to this situation.
: a sequence of events especially when imagined; especially: an account or synopsis of a possible course of action or events
- his scenario for a settlement envisages … reunification
